describe your feelings

I just want it gone.

Not sure if I'm actually angry. Not sure what I'm feeling. Perhaps ready for a confrontation, is it the fear of the unknown? I really don't know.

I want it to leave me alone. I want the feeling to leave now. You can go now. I'll be fine.

Time will erase the moment. I'm giving it time.

Friends & Technology

A great article from the NewsHour...
Essayist Clarence Page Discusses Friendship and Technology

movie...

little miss sunshine

http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/littlemisssunshine/

I posted this when I first saw the movie last week, and thought I should add a bit more now that I just saw it for the second time.

I think I find an affinity, to the characters. And I realized that in many ways I'm like all of them, and certainly we are all looking for happiness but it's the journey - that's what's critical.

the past...

Looking at my last post, thinking more about my past.

The memories distill down to core concepts. And over time memories morph and change, it's part of the distillation of the experiences that become lessons. Defining.

As much as things change it all repeats. Perhaps looking to the past to see the future, I should know the future won't change me. It changes the environment and the world that circles around me - but who I am and what happens to me just repeats. It's the same. How do I do this, by nature.

As I sit in the room, looking and listening. I see these people. Am I even here, mentally. I think I distance myself to protect my emotions.

His childish stare, and sour expressions. Do I call him on it. No. It's too political, forget it.

People who behind the darkness promise support turn to mediators and carefully craft the situation. Not what I expected. My neck on the line. My words. No one else had the courage. Can make the change.

Negative, positive. Complain. Please just continue to complain - people can't do anything else at times. I have no respect.

People don't want solutions if it means they lose. People can't be that objective. How am I protected? What do I get? Who can we blame? That's what they care about.

Today at the table, I see the issues we deal with as a nation play out in a corporate political struggle. Missiles ready to fire. But no one dares because you can't go back.

Diplomacy, as both sides claim victory in the middle east. Both sides claim victory across the table.

The Vertex

So, amazing - swirling around.

Like the past, present and future all together. Incredible, I just can't explain. but so positive.

the positive.

I wish I knew how to phrase it all. One lens into my world. The review. Amazing.

Why

I don't know. This family of old. Together, family of new, sexy.

The drama of the present and the danger of the future.

All in a multiple days worth of time.

dancing, alone.

energy of the world at my minds edge.

I fly into the future, secure in my past.

exhausted...

As I reflect on my recent post I realize it's exhausting, and boring.

I mean there's something thrilling to it all. But then I realize the forces at play continual shift focus.

Comments, and a slip of my tongue.

I find at the end of the day I'm exhausted and it all just seems to rusty.

I look at the large hole in the ceiling. Sorta nicely destructive. That seems so much more interesting than anything else.

btw

Who are you?

Everything has happened according to my design.

Sure, in takes a while. Wait for the moment. Got it.

Haven't posted in forever. You may think that I was off on some secret mission. Spying for some foreign government. No, just strategically aligning myself, plotting and planning, and once again it's worked.

Should you ever get what you ask for? Not sure.

Much like some insane episode of Big Brother, the dramas play out daily. People can sit back, and do nothing. Oh, and I have tried. It's not me. My overwhelming need for control doesn't allow me to sit back. I do when I know it's the right time to sit back, waiting for the opportunity. I can't allow myself to complain without some plan to correct the situation.

These things must be handled delicately.

We are close, a few key pieces are missing. I've set the stage, wheels are in motion. I need one more success in order to achieve the ability to demand. It is a very critical time.

I find this all amusing, I really do. I find he relationships and interactions much more interesting than the actual work.

I try and teach the fine art. Though I must be clear. Success does not occur without merit. Quality is the cornerstone.

Secondly, align your army. Once enlisted people will build support for you.

I know this sounds all terrible, but the key is not to take it seriously. Which allows you to take risks. No one gets hurt, well they can but it's just business., and as I've learned big business has no morals and everyone is playing a game. Just play the right one.

Be honest. You can play a game and still be honest. Though I know many who can't.

Another bit of advice, listen to all sides and sympathize with everyone. You must understand all perspectives to define solutions and strategies.

Know who you can trust, and trust no one.

So, has anyone figured out what to movie quotes I have used in today's review of my insanity?

Politics and Batman

Can I take any more. As the political games ensue I carefully weigh all my options. What's my next move. Who do I talk to.

Every action has a reaction. Starts with a handshake. The designer guy... it's enough of an in to make a move tomorrow. Check calendars, drive by. Work several angles. Get advice.

Make calculations. Move carefully. Implement. DON'T forget to listen. Strange glances. Fear. Think again. Check in.

Arm the troops. Thank the allies.

The promotional tour begins tomorrow. Do I have a for sale sign on my back. Perhaps. For the right opportunity.

Batman... why you ask... it's classic... king tut plays in the background as I analyze the situation and blog the details.

accomplishment

It feels great when you accomplish something. And it feels even better when it's something you've been putting off. And it feels amazing when it's something your anxious about or afraid of.

A real accomplishment, even if it goes unnoticed and it might be perceived as mundane. It's done. It builds confidence.

You find out...

Funny when you find out things you didn't know, you didn't care about... before. Now it makes it seem all the worse. The treatment, the actions, it makes me ill.

I liked living in my little world, before the investigation. Just wade through the flood waters, week to week.

tomb raiders

I thought I sealed them in two years ago. Sealed them in to protect myself from the destruction they were causing.

I look at the rubble, the sign of their destructive nature. They have returned, but how?

The sand is their playground and they dig as they undermine the very structure on which I stand.

Defensive measures have not worked, offense is my only recourse.

Like snow falling from their heavens, it coats every crevasse. Like rain pouring out of the clouds it melts the freshly packed snow.

I know it's temporary, nothing can stop the terror, but I needed to feel in control if just for a moment.

telling tales

So, when someone tells you that they can't tell you something why would they tell you that?

Why.

It's unclear to me if the person who told me knows, or the person who told them was withholding the information from them and then they just told me the information was being withheld even though they told me it will affect me.

Why.

Perhaps they were looking to me to push the issue, to drag it out of them - but that's not my style. Though the delayed stress is now pushing me to get some sort of closer to this.

I mean I never tell anyone something I can't tell them, cause I always tell everyone everything, unless I can't in which case they never know as I never bring it up!

Whatever, right?

Language

I'm not sure what they are saying but it can't be good, all the shouting and arguing. I listen for a hit of language but it's lost. Their anger seeps through the window screen and I wonder why. Behind the darkness. I don't trust them.

Is the car stolen I wonder.

Anger is what they know and I wish they would reward themselves with their own destruction.

The weeds engulf them but they don't care. It's the visual for how they actually appear to everyone who surrounds them.

The eye

We finished up the evening and I gave Theresa a big hug and said we'd see each other again soon. It was a large kitchen. The ceiling, covered in medium cinnamon 3" wide bead board was only a foot above our heads. The house felt like an Aspen retreat. A sign of things to come.

Well, we said all of our goodbye's and headed up the open well staircase with beautiful views of the mountains.

Not sure at what point we decided to all change and drive out for the funeral tomorrow, but I was roaming around my spacious room trying to find something appropriate. I grabbed my grey long sleeve t-shirt and figured that would have to do. I looked up to the small transom windows and noticed what appeared to be a blizzard!

I yelled to everyone, to look but then my breath fogged up the only window in the room.

I rushed to the stair well, where I met up with the other two and we all looked in amazement.

I looked out to the opposing window down to the street, which switched to my normal street view, not the aspen estate we were occupying. A complete white out. And someone was settling flares into the snow so people could see the road.

I returned to the others and we chatted about the weather channel, an that we didn't know of these events.

I then looked up and could see the northern lights! Amazing, I had never seen them before.

The weird thing was they started to fill the sky. It was like going down a worm hole or some 80's video game of flashing light and color.

Taryn and I rushed to get our camera's but Tim stayed behind. When we returned the sky was completely filled.

Taryn and I were fidgeting with our camera setting, while Tim was recording some video when there was a huge flash!

We looked up and the sky was black, but just before I caught a glimpse of an Egyptian eye.

Stargate.

Scene cuts to a military installation deep underground. The three witnesses are observing the activities.

They had come to the conclusion that perhaps one of us were infected with something, possessed perhaps.

They attempt to play back the video Tim was taking and right when it got the the egyptian eye the gel which helped keep the lens cool melted! There was some discussion of how much this pink colored liquid filled gel - no solid - was rated up to so many degrees calvin.

We were dealing with some alien force.

But what was it, what did it mean.

mix

It was the threats that set the tone. That was the take away. In just a few words out of 2 hours of nothing, it was that.

Looking at micro and global levels threats don't work. They just increase the tension.

Additionally, turning a blind eye and forcing happiness down everyone's throat makes for a controlled environment. We know that political systems like that don't survive but why do business act the same way.

Do we as humans value differences. We don't, no matter how much we promote the value, it people's actions - and not direct actions - but just telling someone to be happy - we are required to all be the same. Diversity is not just race, religion etc. It's personalities, mental states and perspectives.

As I sit here I think about United 93, as I board this United flight... the last minutes... diversity and the world.

So when they mix Karen Carpenter with Christine Aguilera...

Softee Popette Pouches TM

Huh

So I was just about to blog about something else when I just remembered I discovered something about myself, why I am the way I am - but now I forgot... trying to recall....mmm... It was something about my group vs individualism philosophies. I even trying to remember when I came to this realization. It was in the car, but was it a dream or reality. It all made sense. I just remember the revelation though, not the details.

Damn, I can't remember. I think it came to me as I was about to have my ass kicked or my head shot off this past weekend. Stuff like that tends to clear the cobwebs from your brain, ya know?

splitting headache

I wake up in a rage. My heart racing, my head splitting from pain and only one word in my head. I have to get out of here.

Work.

Working backwards the last thing I recall is sitting in almost a classroom, as it appears like we are treated like children these days. Being called out that I was not following dress code policy. Of course I was never told by my manager but what else is new.

Someone's laptop battery was only at 30% and I was going to share some battery saving tips but didn't.

After the meeting I immediately went into my bedroom which was right next door. Maybe because these days I feel like I live at work these days (and why I haven't blogged). I look at my closet to exchange my jeans for the ugliest pair of dress pants I had. I found some brown pants with two large stripes of white fabric going down the outside seem. The white fabric had a green and gold diagonally stripped pattern. This will do I thought. I put that on with a shirt that didn't match. There I'll show them by being visually obnoxious. Better than jeans I don't think so.

Afterwards I was complaining to my old boss. Wishing I had never step foot in this evil empire which seemed to march forward in the last 2 months coming from nowhere. I proclaimed my dissatisfaction, and she agreed. Professionally what was happening didn't support my goals. They were setting traps for everyone, everywhere. If I can make it through one year, financially it was well worth it. It was hard to argue with the numbers, no one could. Can I hold out.

She warned me not to make trouble, that the empire could come down at any moment, throw you to the bottom month after month and make you disappear. I asked her what to do, she just told me one name. I wondered who this person was. A rebel in the corporation? A resistance leader? Opposition to the technology regime?

Almost in tears over the stress of it all I took another look in the mirror, and what I was wearing did look ugly. There was no way I could wear what I had on, just for my personal self-respect, screw the empire. What else did I have. I decided white shirts everyday. It would just make things easier.

I awoke.

What was the plan... the next chess move? It has to be big, broad. My boss, and their boss are just cogs in the wheel. The solution. Use there own model against them. Take that to leader and show her that I don't belong. Use her to get me out unharmed. Use the leader to save myself. Keep you friends close, your enemies closer. It could work. I could get out, although the result may be just as bad, after all I would still be in the empire. But it's an option... In case of emergency - break glass.

Next steps. Keep the plan ready to execute at any time. Plant the seeds with key people to execute when ready, so everyone is onboard in advance - or just quit.

As I recall an earlier dream, driving my car - suddenly turning out of control and driving it into the bay. Perhaps a sign of my feeling of having no control at work. I was ok, though the police officer still felt the need to ticket me even though I almost died.

California

If the zombi fashion show wasn't enough.

Walking up from a bad dream, a real nightmare sets the tone.

The issue is the reality, if it was just a nightmare that would be fine, but when it makes contact with reality, that's the killer.

Sitting with you, all day?

Try again.

cross

I look and it was clear.

I look and one word drops from the heavens, pits the ground against the dirt.

The cold chill rolls in and I can not decide.

I sit and the wallet

Time to go, waiting for a few.

I reflect on the missing wallet. Not mine but an interesting journey. Sitting there waiting to be found. Months and months go buy and nothing, never. Seen all the time but never seen. The owner given up. Almost a time capsule. Traveling back months and months. Your wallet is a time tracker and when it's lost it's like your life was frozen in time. That life stopped and another began. It captures everything up until the point it left you. Much the way a PC might, but the wallet is so much more tangible, not just data. It's that crumpled up receipt from that last purchase or perhaps some items that travels with you where ever you go. And it does go with me everywhere, the only item that does.

So I see this man happy to retrieve something so valuable, something that was about three inches thick! But at the same time it really didn't matter to him. The wallet was in the past. It didn't capture where he was now, he moved on.

I sit and finally have a chance to make a note of this story so I don't leave it behind.

sick and tired

no, no - it's not an expression. I am sick and right now I am tired.

Things seem to swirl around and one day melts into the next. So much to process and complete. Limited amounts of excess energy that doesn't match my needs.

The list of items to do, keeping it all in order.

Just a moment, but much more going on. Busy again.

I find new obsession, move away from an old on to a new. That's fine.

Sleep is upon the isle.

Fine

Weird though, sure it bothers me a bit but the lines, it's similar. The confusion of items.

I fix the falling water, an achievement.

The platter spins into disaster, once, twice, three time no luck.

But I don't care. Stay in the slow lane.

Fine, it seems fine.

A frenzy of dizzy explanation, on muffed ears. No give. I pursue. I am not fine.

Thank you not. Pull me away. All clear for now.

more of the same

I spent my few free moments in the car today thinking about my last post, asking myself some questions.

Do I want people to have expectations of me?

What is the relationship between expectations and responsibility?

What expectations do I have of myself? Living up to other people expectations perhaps, could that be one?

I see all that stacks like domino's. The railing, the support, the broken, the unaccessible, the cards, the cold and frozen.

Try, not tonight, try again tomorrow. Good reflections, requests to be there. I feel bad I don't follow, too much to keep up. I feel bad letting people down, but perhaps that is changing, my experiences changing me.

Just turmoil, the confusion that is wonderland. Get through these hurtles, challenges, disasters. Move on.

Human drama is inevitable, it is life.

People... ugh

So I think what's difficult is expectations. Just don't have them, life is easier. Nothing. Get nothing, expect nothing. Surprise comes when someone exceeds your expectations. There's nothing like that. It reminds me then that I need to value something I didn't. But then don't expectations just go up, and then aren't you setting yourself up for disappointment?

Why bother. I can't control people. Let go.

And I can't be everything to everyone. I'm sorry if your upset, but those are your feelings, your choice.

Three times this weekend, once a woman at the toll booth - upset and rude, because I gave her 5 pennies. 5 pennies. It was like I killed someone. She was rude, just ignored me, gave me a dirty look at shook her head. She gave me my change back in 5 nickels, instead of a quarter. Guess she got me. I mean she did, not for the nickels, but that she made me upset. I hate her. I hate her for how she made me feel. let it go I say to myself.

The postal worker. Rude to everyone in line. Then me. No help, no assistance. I leave and go to UPS.

These people tire me, but again I have expectations as a customer that the "clerk" should be polite, friendly, helpful. They're not.

Now I have had good experiences, don't get me wrong, but generally I'd rather just do self-checkout, use automated toll payment, go to the ATM, shop online - because the odds (about 50/50) of getting someone pleasant on the other side of a transaction is getting less and less. It's a problem with America. It feeds on itself, as I fight not to get upset, and angry and frustrated and turn in to these people. It's a battle.

existential

Just remembering, calming. What is the situation. What is it's meeting or non-meaning. The circling.

Take the long view he says, and he is right.

What circle am I in right now I wonder. Positive I think but only as a result of state of mind. Letting go when possible is the only way to be free.

Stop worrying about things that happen, pre determine your reaction. Save the drama and the point of injection.

Worry, let that go too. What can I do, just move through like oil trying to get through the water to the surface. Smooth.

New Year, New Me?

So, this is no New Years resolution to start daily blogging... I just read a plea (HK) from way back in November to continue blogging. And it was really nice!

I wish I had read it earlier, but it's one of those things with me. Not reading e-mails, well wait, I read e-mails. No it's like not answering the phone, or checking messages on the machine. It all could be good, it could all be great. I just want to avoid, hide. Can't deal.

There's also some weird embarrassment factor. I wish I understood but I don't really. It's like running into someone that you had a bad break up with. All weird and awkward. Or if someone calls you and you don't call back right away then it's almost too late. That's where the embarrassment comes from, feeling bad about not "responding."

I've sat down and decided to take sometime nurturing relationships. Maybe this is one. My Blog? Like I said who knows if we'll continue.

Lights are down, crowds are away, single in a group, some motivation returns.

The robotic days move as a brush drags across the ceiling, waiting for the paint to dry I find tiny sparks in the fire. Coming across. 127

Nice comments something to reflect upon. A glance in the theater, at Target - it's all possible.

Notable

I've Got a Life
Mirrormask

Frost Warning

The logistics of it all seemed odd. So much going on. But the crisp open space, was all to inviting. Would it be better. I think so.

Things seem to have normalized. It all seems straight forward now.

I wish the fall was more fall like though. It seems to be wrapped up in rain. And that is part of the season. But it seemed to jump me in the dark.

The routine is here, and I think that's good. Now planning must begin. Where to next. What's up next.

Ask yourself as you work through the day, "what is my next step?". Planning and plotting. Chess not checkers.

But then the cold hit you in the face, and you stop and realize the steps don't matter, you ask yourself what does.

Finding

She walks along the cold street. Finding her way. Into the distance she clings to my mind.



I see her window from far away. The drawings she scribbles drives me to the same.

Good

Speaking of interruption of routine. Sometimes something can come along that changes everything. The bigger mystery is the effect it has on you, and you never expected it would. I mean even if you imagined the possibility, which I didn't, you wouldn't think it would change your outlook like it has.

One change makes me happy.
One change makes me calm.
One change brings me a future.
One change I had nothing to do with.

Destiny comes in to play. No control, no involvement. People playing and I'm the ball. But it's all good, it's alright.

And you no it's good when Alice doesn't show her face and the sky is clear.