I smile

Godzilla travels through my mind and I am happy. It comes again because of me. I smile at Sleepy Hollow. How it enters my dreams. It all merges into something wonderful. Superstar, Superstar, Superstar, Superstar. It seemed like a joke but there has to be some truth in it all. Feeling more at home, though still not wanting.

The pumpkin glows deeply and the leaves burn in the cold.

Conflicts and confusion abound, he's gone so I am happy and I smile. Alice isn't here either, though I'm expecting her.

The bats fly and swirl, people complain and moan, but I'm happy.

Mistakes that I have made today will be corrected tomorrow, two fold. I will. I make that promise to myself.

Mental health

It's nice when you feel good for no reason. I mean everything seemed cloud like. A now clear. No real reason, things still the same. Just a different perspective. It proves that no one, no thing, can delivery happiness. It truly does come from within. Magically or otherwise.

Looking forward, it feels good today. Wondering what tomorrow brings? that isn't here. I'm happy about that.

The greys

So what is it about people. Let's see. Somedays I rather just not deal, and I don't care. Leave them, it all behind. The way people continually hurt each other. It's about greys. That's what I was thinking on the way to the post office in the rain.

When your first meet someone perhaps it's more black and white. Or maybe even not when you first meet them but that first level of a relationship. Are they good, are they bad. Do I like them or don't I. This really helps you sort out who might have potential. But then... at some point you need to move in to the greys. Disagreements, maybe saying something they don't want to hear. Maybe even more than that. Families typically live in greys. Fighting the grey and moving beyond it. That's when things truly are successful. Nothing's perfect. People make mistakes. Though the first time entering the gray area can be scary. What lies on the other side? Is it a 'deal' breaker?

Both people need to be able to move beyond the black and white. And be honest about it.

And don't get confused between black and white and right and wrong. TOTALLY different.

There are things that are right and wrong. Sometimes the greys confuse that - but they shouldn't. But what's right, wrong, and grey is something for each person to decide.

Right and wrong deal with morals, virtue. Black and white's a bit different. Not sure how to explain that.

Anyway. giving it all up, or moving to total grey. That's the debate.

Obsession

Finding this. I wonder if anyone will. What would they think. Not typical drama, not events, not excitement. No groups for me, no grouping.

Singular.

Just trying to think about peoples lives. How different it all is. Obsessions.

Obsessions that are good and bad. Can they be? If someone obsessed about something that has positive outcomes is that ok? I mean let's say someone obsessed about begin healthy, is it just some other type of avoidance. Just as if someone drank to much. And then too do people do things for themselves or just to be needed, wanted, which I guess is for themselves in a way. Right?

I have obsessions, they tend to go in waves. 3 to 6 months. Maybe more, maybe less. Some have been good, others bad. I like obsessions that are productive. Those are helpful.

But people sometimes do things for the wrong reasons some time. Vanity and pride are good examples.

People can obsess over these. And sure they can have some good side effects. Having appearances on the outside. But are they, are these people I want to know. No.

Living a singular life. No compromise. Sometime selfish. So.

Settled

Feeling settled today. Still a bit miffed at the actions but fine. Swirling confusion, power that I feel in confidence. A bit of pain, gone now. It's gone. I should not, not speak. Short tonight. No time. I hope everything is ok. I hope, things seem unreal. I see Alice.

Are they out to get me?

Sometimes I wonder. No communication is worse than hearing something you don't want to hear. Knowing where one stands. Knowing what value they bring. It's all critical. I just question, what do they think? I wonder why I care. He never did. Telling me no truth meaning it was no lie. It's somewhat the same, just different. Thankful, no. Redirected questions bother. Let people make decisions - my brain hurts.

Just push through, keep working through. It's just a game - and I'm not sure I want to play but I can win, there is no doubt.

Type from my brain

I don't edit,
I don't check,
I don't do grammar,
I type from my brain.

Regrets

Never before, never again. But when your not sure if something is a regret or not what is it? Happiness I recall so yes. Pain I feel so no. Document everything around me. Obsessions of regrets. Singular style.

Value.

The multitude of events seem crazy but they all mean that I am valued.

1 year, 2 months. When will it end.

Points to remember from an uneventful day.

- Things are well, always better than I make them out to be.
- Receiving a smile makes me happy.
- People should not put cloud backgrounds on their e-mails.

Big Country

Just listen over and over. That will block the oncoming. Grease and shackles, cannibals, where are the dead. Swirling elephants dance around as the bees find their way. Growth, a wave, it was nice. Too many balloons. Look forward, look forward, though I keep running into back.

Points to remember from an uneventful day.

- "Who needs a serious psycho with a chainsaw when we have ourselves. "
- Don't depend on people.
- Depend on people.

Anxiety Rich

Can't anxiety be a commodity? I wish it could. The people at the corner, the jail cell that appears behind the time of a weeks end. Go away I say. But spooks, witches, and skulls are upon this land and my heart fills with joy. Reject the pain giver, quiet solace in my heart. Let it all be silenced. For what can we do except find some moments. Shut out the noise, shut out the confusion. Happy dead we are not.

Point to remember from and uneventful afternoon

- Organization brings control when there is none.

The endless end

Rain and cloud cover me and it feels nice. Let it pour and drowned, my eyes and feelings. I wondered what stories they all had to tell. What did they all want to say. One nice comment and smile - that's what I recall. Nothing else really. Funny how relationships change, move, grow, end. Looking out and in it all seems the same. Happiness. Finally I'm a new. Not sure what's what - Alice is here, she comes with change. Out with spots, out.

Points to remember from an uneventful day.

- stop when you think you should stop
- what defines a risk
- good conversation makes me feel good
- routine is nice, routines that suck aren't

just more useless stuff that makes no sense.

Whatever

yeah - i should be sleeping and not posting. The jail cell seemed less confining today even though I spent 16 hours there today. Can I trust you, he asks. Wondering if its all worth it. Take a leap, but you always wonder what people think of you. A look, and glance, a conversation out of earshot. Twist, Twist, Twist.

Points to remember from an uneventful day.
- exhaustion reduces anxiety
- people do care
- losing stuff sucks
- boston creme donuts are the best

just more useless stuff that makes no sense.

Finally

What a rough day... I'm exhausted but it feels good. Getting stuff done, making an impact. "To make an impact you have to go to extremes." Well I wouldn't go that far but it sounds good. So very tired, have to shut down the phones and go to bed.

Birthday tomorrow, which really don't enjoy so the fact I'm up at 3am, and putting in a 13 hour day should make things go easier.

Alice is still chasing me, wonder when she'll leave. Maybe never, maybe that is that.

As I see the rain move by, the rain without the rain. Maybe that grass will grow? What do you think.

I'm an every expanding balloon...

Points to remember from an uneventful day.
- Don't eat a big lunch.
- Don't over promise.
- Jeans are more comfortable then dockers.
- People can be nice.
- Driving is just impersonal

just more useless stuff that makes no sense.

You've got to start somewhere

Yeah, how to start, or maybe how to end is the question. Yeah, it's late but what the heck. Today seemed weird, I mean the numbers not matching up, the brief nervous sweat. The classics that continue to confront me. Not interested, but what am I interested in.

Generally it feels like wizard of oz, or maybe alice? not really sure. I just know I'm out of sorts. Disassociated from it all. Not even sure what all is.

Points to remember from an uneventful day.
- if you always do what you've done you'll always be who you are.
- you can't try without failure.
- it's all an illusion.
- it's not worth it.
- pain lasts forever.

just more useless stuff that makes no sense.