sick and tired

no, no - it's not an expression. I am sick and right now I am tired.

Things seem to swirl around and one day melts into the next. So much to process and complete. Limited amounts of excess energy that doesn't match my needs.

The list of items to do, keeping it all in order.

Just a moment, but much more going on. Busy again.

I find new obsession, move away from an old on to a new. That's fine.

Sleep is upon the isle.

Fine

Weird though, sure it bothers me a bit but the lines, it's similar. The confusion of items.

I fix the falling water, an achievement.

The platter spins into disaster, once, twice, three time no luck.

But I don't care. Stay in the slow lane.

Fine, it seems fine.

A frenzy of dizzy explanation, on muffed ears. No give. I pursue. I am not fine.

Thank you not. Pull me away. All clear for now.

more of the same

I spent my few free moments in the car today thinking about my last post, asking myself some questions.

Do I want people to have expectations of me?

What is the relationship between expectations and responsibility?

What expectations do I have of myself? Living up to other people expectations perhaps, could that be one?

I see all that stacks like domino's. The railing, the support, the broken, the unaccessible, the cards, the cold and frozen.

Try, not tonight, try again tomorrow. Good reflections, requests to be there. I feel bad I don't follow, too much to keep up. I feel bad letting people down, but perhaps that is changing, my experiences changing me.

Just turmoil, the confusion that is wonderland. Get through these hurtles, challenges, disasters. Move on.

Human drama is inevitable, it is life.

People... ugh

So I think what's difficult is expectations. Just don't have them, life is easier. Nothing. Get nothing, expect nothing. Surprise comes when someone exceeds your expectations. There's nothing like that. It reminds me then that I need to value something I didn't. But then don't expectations just go up, and then aren't you setting yourself up for disappointment?

Why bother. I can't control people. Let go.

And I can't be everything to everyone. I'm sorry if your upset, but those are your feelings, your choice.

Three times this weekend, once a woman at the toll booth - upset and rude, because I gave her 5 pennies. 5 pennies. It was like I killed someone. She was rude, just ignored me, gave me a dirty look at shook her head. She gave me my change back in 5 nickels, instead of a quarter. Guess she got me. I mean she did, not for the nickels, but that she made me upset. I hate her. I hate her for how she made me feel. let it go I say to myself.

The postal worker. Rude to everyone in line. Then me. No help, no assistance. I leave and go to UPS.

These people tire me, but again I have expectations as a customer that the "clerk" should be polite, friendly, helpful. They're not.

Now I have had good experiences, don't get me wrong, but generally I'd rather just do self-checkout, use automated toll payment, go to the ATM, shop online - because the odds (about 50/50) of getting someone pleasant on the other side of a transaction is getting less and less. It's a problem with America. It feeds on itself, as I fight not to get upset, and angry and frustrated and turn in to these people. It's a battle.

existential

Just remembering, calming. What is the situation. What is it's meeting or non-meaning. The circling.

Take the long view he says, and he is right.

What circle am I in right now I wonder. Positive I think but only as a result of state of mind. Letting go when possible is the only way to be free.

Stop worrying about things that happen, pre determine your reaction. Save the drama and the point of injection.

Worry, let that go too. What can I do, just move through like oil trying to get through the water to the surface. Smooth.

New Year, New Me?

So, this is no New Years resolution to start daily blogging... I just read a plea (HK) from way back in November to continue blogging. And it was really nice!

I wish I had read it earlier, but it's one of those things with me. Not reading e-mails, well wait, I read e-mails. No it's like not answering the phone, or checking messages on the machine. It all could be good, it could all be great. I just want to avoid, hide. Can't deal.

There's also some weird embarrassment factor. I wish I understood but I don't really. It's like running into someone that you had a bad break up with. All weird and awkward. Or if someone calls you and you don't call back right away then it's almost too late. That's where the embarrassment comes from, feeling bad about not "responding."

I've sat down and decided to take sometime nurturing relationships. Maybe this is one. My Blog? Like I said who knows if we'll continue.

Lights are down, crowds are away, single in a group, some motivation returns.

The robotic days move as a brush drags across the ceiling, waiting for the paint to dry I find tiny sparks in the fire. Coming across. 127

Nice comments something to reflect upon. A glance in the theater, at Target - it's all possible.